Thursday, September 6, 2012

Wacky and Zany, You Are Not.

Four years ago, my marriage went through a rough phase where I thought my wife and I were quitsies. A few of the details were less than flattering to my ego; my self esteem took a gigantic kick to the cookies. Not quite so debilitating that my attraction to the fairer sex went away, though. After a few months, I decided I should get back 'out there', wherever that was. One snag: I hadn't dated in 15 years. Tom the Fireman advised me that a recently divorced, studly work friend was engaged in something called online dating. I'd never heard of it. This guy had so many women contacting him, he couldn't keep up with the correspondence. Women have a thing for firemen, though. Must be the smell.

You want a child cartoonI joined match.com, and quickly realized it was going to be a rough slog. First of all, I'm as superficial as anyone else; I wanted to date attractive women. That eliminated at least half the profiles. Second, most of the attractive women wanted to date focused, successful men that earned at least $100,000 a year, instantly knocking me out of the picture.

Lastly--and this was the biggest sticking point--most of the profiles bored the living shit out of me.
 "Friends and family chide me for my rapacious wit."
 "I'm equally up for a night on the town, or a quiet meal at home."
"I am passionate about life. I don't like games." 
Reading profiles while in bed guaranteed slumber within 10 minutes or less.

Do dating sites give away tours to Machu Pichu or the Great Wall of China? There were endless photos of women at those destinations; camel riding was big, along with winning triathlons and ski races in Colorado. I didn't understand how I would ever get a date, considering all these women had rich, rewarding careers, worked out at least five times a week, dined in Paris and jumped on planes to catch weekend sunsets in Bora Bora or Antigua. 

I decided to check out some men's profiles, to see what the competition was up to. I learned that it's possible to construct sentences without the use of punctuation, and that adding Ha! Ha! to the end of a sentence makes for hilarious prose. I now intend to employ this clever writing device whenever possible. Ha! Ha! I was also introduced to the new, modern, single male. Turns out men no longer want to get laid. They want to be friends first, slowly building a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. Men today are only seeking life partners. Superficial women looking for one-nighters filled with fabulous, uninhibited sex should just skip right over them. They're not built that way.

My conclusion? Online dating couldn't possibly be taken seriously. I used a photo of a potted plant as my main profile picture and wrote that all other photos were taken in 1937. Trying to make my intentions clear to any potential suitorettes, I broke down the main "About Me" portion to a series of bullet points, then filled out the other details accordingly:
A second later she asked for money.

  • I'm poor. I do have a crappy job I don't really like, so I can usually pay my bills. I'm pretty much broke all the time, though. Hope you like cycling and public parks. Don't worry, though--I know where all the cheap taco trucks hang out. 
  • I'm wearing sunglasses in my pictures...that guy must be hiding something. Would you believe I lost an eye in a chivalrous sword fight, battling for the honor of a woman? Neither would I. And who's the young girl in the photo? That's my 13-year-old daughter, who showers me with love and affection, until she asks for something and I say no. Then she HATES me.
  • So I was writing this and noticed a little box to the right..."Profile Pro." For $39.95, a professional writer can make me sound much more interesting and intelligent than I really am. Isn't that kind of deceiving? What if I'm totally illiterate? Why not have a "Photo Pro" that will touch up all my photos as well? Or "Life Pro" that will make my whole life look better. Think I'd buy that one...
  • I haven't seen your photos, but can already tell you to delete the third pic. Yeah, that one. It makes you look chunky (notice I didn't say fat). Chunky and a little insane. I told you not to wear that flowered print and you did anyway. You never listen to me.
  • Do you have any coupons for this site? I figure if I can stack enough of them I won't have to pay anything. BTW, I own a Rolls Royce and a yacht.
  • Everything else about me is private--I'm never going to tell you anything. Never, ever, ever. 
  • Quick--how many fingers am I holding up right now? See, you're wrong. We'll never be compatible--I knew it. 
Interests: Pornography, Jackass, any combination therein.

Sports and exercise: To be avoided at all costs. Interferes with my digestion.

For Fun: Pulling wings off insects, kicking people with severe disabilities, spitting.

Pets: Fluffy died when I was nine; I'm still in mourning. Any references to animals will set me off in unpredictable ways.

Hot Spots: The morphology of lava describes its surface form or texture. Deep-water submarine lavas can be categorized as sheet flows or pillow flows. Sheet flows are always broad, relatively flat, and fill in low areas in the landscape. This is because they are very fluid when erupted, as reflected in their various morphologies: "ropy", "lineated", "lobate", or "jumbled."

Political views: Kill them all.

Sign: Yield, Keep Off the Grass, Sunny Acres Funeral Home.

Last read: Sugar, alkalized cocoa, beet juice color, caramel color, whey, and 1.5% or less of: natural vanilla flavor, salt, carrageenan, soy lecithin. MADE ON EQUIPMENT THAT ALSO PROCESSES WHEAT. Distributed by Nestle USA, Inc., Glendale, CA 91203 USA.

Amazingly, a lot of women responded.

P.S. I'm a glutton for punishment...submitting this to the inimitable bloggers at Dudewrite this week.

26 comments:

  1. Those sites are the worst. I'm afraid to admit it, but I too have dabbled (with no success in landing a permanent mate) in those dating sites in the past. I think the worse one is Harmony.com. It takes you 3 weeks to answer all of their "insightful" questions. Then like magic they link you up with people that leave you scratching your head. Really? That's my harmony match? No thank you!

    Good one Mr. Chuck Steak.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Amazingly, a lot of women responded"

    Seems to be amazing that you would ever be without a bevy of women. I think I would treat online dating like job interviews. If I have to wear an uncomfortable suit (metaphorically or literally) to talk to you... warning to me! I'm putting the phat pictures of me out there. Yes, I DO LIKE BBQ!

    There are a ton of great women out there who like honesty.

    Is there a story on how your wife came back?

    WG

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The actual dating part was interesting, and a lot of fun. That and getting back with the Mrs might be good stories for the future. Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  3. any decent dates from that profile?
    i think women appreciate a sense of humor more than good looks cuz the looks come and go with hair loss, weight gain, etc, but a sense of humor should last forever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I went on quite a few dates, and enjoyed every one of them, even the ones that didn't quite click, for whatever reason. The women were all kind, gracious and good company.
      Sometimes I felt I had an almost unfair advantage over other men (or women) on that site, having some writing ability. I know a lot of fascinating people who can't express themselves on paper to save their lives.

      Delete
  4. I'd've responded to that.
    :-)

    Funny post.

    Pearl Inlay (not my real name)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So what are you doing on Saturday night?

      Pearl, I feel honored. Read your blog; you are one funny chick.

      Delete
  5. I want my wife and I to get on Harmony.com to see if how many dimensions we're compatible on.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just found you on Dude Write - so glad I did, this was hysterical. True, but hysterical.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Truly giggly. I found my Hubby online, but not on a dating site.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey, we share the same sign! Ha ha! (See how I picked up a writing tip from you as well?)

    This was so funny. But it did make me glad to not be a member of the singles crowd. I would be terrible at it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't like to admit it, but I met my husband on Match.com. I'm as surprised as anybody. I think literate guys definitely have an advantage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I´m really not surprised, Stacey. When I went on my first date, I was shocked to find the woman looked like her pictures and was completely sane. Regardless of my sarcasm, it was definitely a viable forum to meet the opposite sex.

      Delete
  10. Chuck: Great essay piece about online dating. You would have been a big hit on OK Cupid, the online dating and socializing site where I met my wife (coming up on our 3 year anniversary). Lots of opinionated, snarky, over-educated and underperforming know-it-alls like you and me, Ha Ha!

    It is always nice to see your work show up on Write on Edge - sometimes I worry I have the only Y chromosome on that writing group. - JC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JC: Glad to see you noticed that gender thing as well at Write on Edge--what's up with that?

      Delete
  11. Dude, that was a pretty awesome profile text. If I were gay we'd totally be compatible. Well...you'd have to be gay too. Ha ha!

    Daniel Nest
    Nest-Expressed

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ugh, online dating. I have been checking out some sites, but can't talk myself into doing it. I was browsing profiles on my friend's site and I agree with you, they are so boring. Funny is at the top of my list. If I saw a profile like yours, I'd push all the other ladies out of the way and call dibs!

    How great that you and your wife got back together :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Haha that profile is truly epic. You sir, are definitely date-worthy.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nice profile

    My sister tried those dating sites, she is educated and prefers non smokers yadda yadda yadda.... "There are no matches in your area..."

    That blew her confidence a little

    ReplyDelete
  15. This post made me snort milk from my nose... it was 'Last Read' that did it...
    brilliant bit of writing dude.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I feel bad for those dudes who actually have Rolls Royces and yachts because no one will ever believe them. Oh, wait-- no I don't.

    "Political views: Kill them all."

    Hilarious post!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I've never been on a dating site. I found my wife the old fashioned way. At the bar. Of course, I'm a lot older now and although it's been a few years since I've been to a bar, last time I went I couldn't actually hear anybody talking because the music was so loud. I hope I never have to try find a new partner at either of those.

    ReplyDelete
  18. lol! What's your sign? -- Stay off the grass. Awesome!

    When I was dating online, I wrote that I was allergic to children... guys thought a little Benadryl would still get them laid.

    ReplyDelete

What you think?